Response to Carson

On a Boulder, In a Cloud is a memoir about Carson's experience after an over-night camping trip. He and his friends decide to check out the area around their campsite after they've packed up from the night before. What ensues is Carson  finding peace within himself as he faces nature in its rawest form.

I really liked your piece a lot. I felt like you painted each scene delicately so that even those who had never been camping before could envision everything that was going on. As someone who has been to sketchy campsites before, I applaud your description of the deserted bathrooms and the area lit only from the LCD lighting of the drink machines. You were able to perfectly capture the creepiness those things have to offer in a deserted area. I'm sure someone will comment that you need dialogue, but I think your story works better without; to include conversation would almost break us out of the trance you've put us in with the vivid description of nature.

As for improvements, I can't seem to think of anything really. Maybe you could expand the ending to let us know if the feeling you felt on the boulder carried with you as you and your friends continued on your journey. I'm a little confused as to how y'all all ended up together though; did y'all just meet Billy at part of the trail? Perhaps a little bit more of a backstory regarding y'alls trip might strengthen the characters in the story.

Response to Laura

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome is a piece about Laura's brother who has the syndrome which the story is named after. I had a hard time deciding if this was a memoir or a personal essay. It seemed somewhere caught in the middle, because while I learned a lot about this syndrome, I don't feel like there was much of a memoir component until the end with the bus driver.

This piece surprised me because I wasn't expecting to read anything like this. It was really informative, and I liked how you included that your mother was a doctor. Through explaining about the feeding issues your brother experienced, you were able to show how difficult it was for her as a pediatrician to not know what was wrong with her son. I liked the transition in the story where you went from explaining how your brother was picking flowers on a soccer field to discussing the self-injurious behavior he would sometimes have. The last scene in the story was my favorite, although I couldn't believe a bus driver of special needs children could be so rude and insensitive. Props to you for standing up to his behavior! Including that in your story showed how devoted you are to your brother and how much you love him.

Sometimes I felt a little blinded by the amount of similes, metaphors and alliteration included in this piece. I think more simple language could be used and still allow you to get your point across. Not that there's anything wrong with those literary elements, but I feel like they work better in moderation so that they don't distract from your message. In addition, I would reorganize the story. The scene with the bus driver is interesting, and it shows your emotional investment in your brother; therefore, I think that part should be extended and introduced earlier in the story. That way you can answer more questions such as how did that experience make you feel? did it make you more aware of the difficulties your brother might face in the future? did anything change with the bus driver after that day? I think making that scene stronger would enhance the overall story.

Response to Sally

"A Night on the Drunk Bus" is a memoir about riding Auburn's security shuttle around for awhile in order to escape a rough day. Sally explains how she mistook a Seeing Eye dog for a "pet a puppy day" pet, had coffee spilled on her, and how she bombed her first speech assignment. This experience was important to her because it introduced her to a new pastime: riding the "drunk bus" for pleasure.

The fact you were brave enough to just get on the drunk bus and ask to ride around is hilarious to me. The idea is so original, and I doubt anyone else has done it before. Anyway, back to your story. I think you do a good job of explaining the unfortunate circumstances of your day very well. You were clearly mortified at what had happened involving the dog and the coffee. I also really liked how you included the shuttle driver's story about the blueberry bubblegum and incorporated how the other girls in the bus took some before they left.

My biggest suggestion would be to add some paragraph breaks within the story, since without them I read the story really fast. I also think you could expand some of your scenes; I'm sure the man responded to your comment on the dog, so you could go into more detail about what was said after you made the mistake. You could also expand the scene in the classroom where you were giving your speech, giving readers specific details as to where you messed up in your speech. In addition, I think you should give readers a more clear idea of the time frame change from class to the drunk bus. From reading your story it appears you left straight from class to get on the drunk bus, but since those shuttles don't start running until 6 and most people don't "go out" (such as the other people in the bus were doing) until much later than that, then I would assume there was some time between class and your shuttle ride. If there was time, then you could explain what you and maybe what inspired you to take the shuttle that evening.

Response to Alethia

"Left" is a memoir Alethia wrote about the day she finally left her abusive mother. Throughout her life Alethia struggled with the way her mother treated her and her siblings. The day she left she realized that by leaving she wasn't running away from her problems, but instead leaving them behind in order to have a better life.

I really loved this piece! Your writing kept my attention the entire time. I thought you explained your situation in a clear way that allowed those who may have not experienced the same thing to understand what it would be like to like with an abusive mother. I like how you opened with the scene in the Dollar General, because it led to questions such as why were you keeping track of money? and why was your Jeep actually packed? Questions that were all answered throughout the course of the story. I was really able to grasp the atmosphere in your household by the way you explained how you and your siblings kept in touch in order to know what type of mood your mom was in or if she was at the house. You also did a good job of showing how much influence your mother's boyfriend had over your mom by mentioning how he "whispered" in her ear about how she was entitled to the money you made.

My biggest suggestion would be for you to explain whether the last "olive branch" you gave your mom occurred before or after you moved out. I think that would give readers a better time-frame on when you left, too. In addition I would I think it would be good to include whether or not your sister contacted you regarding the note left on your door. Also I would like a little more information on where  you went to live after you left, because I couldn't decide if you were staying at your friend's place indefinitely or if you were moving to college in a few weeks or what.

But really, this was SO good, although the subject matter was really sad. Your determination to break the cycle is evident and I admire your courage,

Response to Carrie

"Learning to Let Go" is a memoir about when Carrie hit her head while attempting to rope-swing into a lake. Through the help of her friends and family she is able to overcome her ordeal and proceed to move off to college. Through this experience Carrie learns to ultimately let go of things that scare her, including her upcoming college experience.

I liked how the title could have multiple meanings: learning to let go of the rope-swing and learning to let go of life and home by moving to college. It's obvious Carrie is very close to her family, something I can relate with, and she does a good job of describing this closeness through explaining how she used to hate going to sixth grade and looked forward to seeing her mom when she got home in the afternoon. I also liked how you explained your friends in the story without going into too much detail. They didn't really need to be fully developed, but they were developed enough that they weren't boring (for example, including facts about your friends such as one didn't like to see vomit and another had a fear of ambulances were nice additions to your story).

As for suggestions, I would like to know what you hit your head on. I guess explain a little more clearly where you landed when you fell. Did you swing out into the water and didn't let go until it was pulling you back to shore, or did you let go before the swing had even reached the water? Also the transition between eating grapes and having a seizure was a little rocky to me, because I wasn't exactly sure where you were when you had the seizure. I think including whether or not you're afraid of getting in the water now would be interesting, because I'm sure that's an event you recall every time you're around water.

On a side note, I hope it didn't work out with Jack because anyone who would leave on a jet ski like that and then ask you if they were "still hot" after you had a seizure sounds like an ass to me, haha

Response to Leslie

"Five of Me" describes Leslie's parents' struggle as they try to expand their family of three to a family of four (or more) through a series of drugs used to help couples become pregnant. This memoir is important to Leslie because until she was 8 years old, she didn't know the complications her parents faced trying to conceive her.

Because you weren't able to witness everything that happened first hand, you had to explain what you "thought" was going on, and I think you did this in really well. I especially liked the part where you told readers that your dad hated seeing someone put an earring in, yet he was responsible for injecting your mother with a needle, an experience that was probably really difficult for him. I also liked that you took the time to find out the exact names of the pills and treatment your mother took to help her achieve pregnancy; this made the writing very clear and prevented readers from getting the different medications confused with one another. In addition, you did a good job of explaining your parents desperation for another child, showing they would go to as many lengths as possible to achieve their dream. I liked that you included the price of In Vitro fertilization in the story too, because I didn't realize how expensive the procedure was, and if you hadn't included it I would have wondered why your parents didn't try that option.

As for revisions, I would like to see a little more of your brother in the story: did he want a sibling? how did he feel when he found out your parents were expecting? Also I would like to see how your parents felt once they found out they were pregnant: did your mom take extra precautions during her pregnancy because she was afraid she might lose you? was your dad overprotective of you once you were born? Just getting more an idea of their emotions once they found out would be a good addition to the story. I guess what I'm basically trying to say is expand the ending a little more.

Overall, great job though! :)

Non-Fiction Class Exercise

When I was in the fifth grade, I became best friends with Allie. We played on the same basketball team together, went to the same after-school program and loved McDonald’s--it was an ideal friendship. We stayed friends into our middle school years, too. One Saturday in seventh grade after I had stayed the night over at Allie’s, her family had an emergency. I needed to leave so her family could ride over to the hospital. My mother was out of town at my sister’s dance competition, and my dad was at work, so I called my grandmother to come pick me up from Allie’s house. I was surprised when my grandmother refused. “I’m sorry sweetie but I can’t drive over to that house with those people,” I remember her saying defiantly. Eventually I was able to get my great-aunt to come pick me up, but the phone conversation I’d had with grandmother still lingered in the back of my mind. 

 I decided not to ask any questions until my mother got home from the competition. “Mom,” I asked, walking into her bedroom later that night, “why does Grandma hate Allie’s family?” My mother turned away from the dresser she’d been placing clothing into and faced me, her brows furrowed. 

“I don’t know if your Grandmother would appreciate me telling you this or not,” she said. She ran her fingers through her brown hair, something she always did when she was nervous. Now, I had to know. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” I said, my eyes growing wider as I attempted a look of innocence. I walked further into the bedroom and said down at the end of her bed, anticipating the story. 

“Well,” my mother said, taking a seat beside me on the bed, “when I was a little girl, your grandfather cheated on your grandmother with Allie’s mom.” I was still had not gotten over the shock of this statement when she continued, “Allie’s mom had a baby not long after, and while she claimed it was her husbands, it looked remarkably like your grandfather.” 

I’d only seen Allie’s brother a few times; Allie’s parents had been a lot older when Allie was born, so her brother was already married and living in another state when Allie and I met. Still, I couldn’t believe I had never noticed the resemblance the times I had seen him.

“I swear I won’t tell,” I said, my eyes wide again, this time with shock. I never mentioned the conversation my mother and I had again to anyone, especially my grandmother. I couldn’t believe that of all people I could’ve been friends with, I chose my unknown half-uncle’s sister! Small towns always harbor a lot of secrets, but I never imagined my family shared in a part of that. 

Personal to Abstract

Ballerinas in pink slippers, Dancing With the Stars contestants and Step It Up movies are a few things that might come to mind when one hears the word “dance.” Traced back as far as 3000 B.C., dance has played a significant role in society. Even the Bible mentions the art; Ecclesiastes 3:4 reads “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” While it can be argued that watching dancing is enjoyable, actually engaging in dancing always leads one to ask the question: can I dance or not?

A young girl watching a ballet for the first time might be captivated by the dancers fluid motions. As the dancer spins gracefully on the dark stage, she keeps her composure and seems oblivious to the hundreds of eyes watching her every motion. As she finishes her final turn, she ends the sequence with a slight bow as the audience rises to their feet in applause. She’s free and she’s more than an artist: she’s art itself.

When I was younger, I fell in love with ballets such as The Nutcracker and Swan Lake. I dreamed of perfecting pirouettes and leaping across the stage; I would spin around aimlessly in my living room, unaware that I looked nothing like the girls on stage. 

My 10th grade year of high school, I tried out for my school’s dance team. Since the sponsor’s daughter, who was also trying out, scored the lowest out of all those who auditioned, it was decided everyone who tried out would be let on the team. This team was far from Swan Lake. I quickly learned, and everyone else pointed out, that I could not keep beat to save my life. During dances I was either a beat ahead or behind, which threw off the synchronization of the entire performance. 

Another girl on the team bullied me and constantly complained about my inadequate dancing to the point that I went home from many practices in tears. I used to be awed by dancing, and now I dreaded going to practice. Did I miss a footnote in the Bible where “a time to dance” actually meant to be read “a time to dance (only if you’re talented)”? Sure the ballerina in The Nutcracker had talent, but did she dance because she had talent or because she loved dancing?

No, I wasn’t a good dancer. Many people, I’ve learned, are not. But I don’t think the point of dancing was to ever impress someone; besides, that’s objective anyway. Maybe those dancers in 3000 B.C. danced, well, for fun. This made me question what else in my life I’ve sacrificed because of others opinions. How much happiness do we let go out of fear of being imperfect? It’s been almost three years since I graduated high school, and I doubt anyone I graduated with remembers if I was a beat off during the half-time dance. Let go of the insecurities, and dance if you want.. even if you can’t. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about being an artist or a perfect ten, it’s about being happy.

Kelly Carlisle Response

When I first read this, I couldn't help but think that it seemed like something out of a movie: a woman grows up thinking her mother died in a car crash, but later she discovers it was something much more complicated. I feel Carlisle did a great job of guiding readers through her story. Kelly's desire to know more about her mother is realistic, and I was rooting for her to find answers.

I found myself feeling sorry for Kelly. What must it be like, I wondered, to grow up not knowing anything about your parents? How would it be for years to believe your mother died in a car crash, only to discover she was actually murdered? While I understand it might have been inappropriate to tell a young child that her mother was murdered, I don't think sheltering her with a lie was the best idea either.

I thought Kelly handled discovering her mother was a prostitute fairly well.. I don't think it deterred her from wanting to feel some connection with her mother. I think it was brave of Kelly to describe her mother as she was found: spread-eagle with the beer can next to her foot. She could've glossed over a lot of the graphic details, yet she decided to go with the truth, which I found to be a bold move on her part. As a writer, she had the ability to glamorize her mothers murder, yet she used what really happened to evoke emotion in the reader and show she wasn't ashamed of her mother's circumstances.

I wish Kelly would've learned more about her mother at the end of this story; however, that sort of ending seems to be reserved for a fiction work, so I probably shouldn't have been expecting that everything to work out...because obviously life doesn't always work out that way.

Annie Dillard "Living Like Weasels"

In "Living Like Weasels" the speaker uses her run-in with a weasel as a metaphor for life. The speaker and the weasel share a moment where the speaker says, "I think I retrieved my brain from the weasel's brain, and tried to memorize what I was seeing." The speaker seems to envy the weasel's animal instincts and asks the question "could humans live in such a way?" According to the speaker, yes, humans can. I love how the speaker compares the way a weasel kills its prey to humans finding their passion in life. Like the weasel finding the perfect spot in its preys' neck to strike, humans need to "stalk your calling in a certain skilled and supple way, to locate the most tender and live spot and plug into that pulse." The last paragraph of this piece really stuck out to me. As humans, we are all going to die no matter how we choose to live; however, if we find our "necessity" in life and truly grasp onto it, not even death can separate us from it. I found this to mean that by thoroughly connecting ourselves to our necessity, we have the opportunity to be remembered after death.

Response to Carson

“For the Family in the Car Passing By” is about Earl and Crystal and their three children and pet dog. For Christmas, the mom, Crystal, is gifted a kitten from her brother, much to Earl’s distaste. Earl makes comments throughout the story about getting rid of the cat, but when the cat is hit by a car at the end of the story, Earl is surprised at the feelings he experiences before he has to shoot the cat. 

I think this story does a good job of depicting an “average” middle-class family. They go through everyday life: burning toast, going hunting and taking family photographs. The family photograph scene was my favorite, because it showed the family uniting together to get the photo and shopping for their upcoming family Christmas dinner. Adding the coupon was a nice touch, too. The part of the story where the family cleans the house reminded me a lot of my family when we have  people over; everyone is trying to make the house look its best. I also liked how Earl went from being indifferent towards the cat to actually caring about it when he needed to shot it. I think that shows a positive change in Earl and shows he is more than some tough guy that goes hunting. 

There were a lot of characters in this piece for it to be so short. I know you need to include everyone in the family, but the way the characters were introduced was a little overwhelming to me. The start of the story had me slightly confused, but it got back on track when the backstory of the family getting the cat started taking place. Earl is the only character in the story that seems to go through a change, which isn’t bad, but since the family itself is the main character of this piece, I think the family should have gone through something together. Maybe have a new family picture made with the cat before it dies? I’m not sure exactly what I would change. 

Response to Kevin Mayo

Well, this story escalated quickly.. In “Striations” restaurant owner Liam is on a date with Ellie, where the conversation turns sour after Ellie asks Liam a question about masturbation. Offended by her forwardness, Liam ends the date early and the two argue all the way to the parking lot. The next day, Liam wakes up to find Ellie and other girls destroying his apartment and taking off with his life savings.

I think this story does a good job of exposing the unreliability of online dating profiles. Many people say online they’re a “model” like Ellie, but actually have a less desirable career (such as an exotic dancer). I also liked how in the third paragraph parenthesis are used to show that Liam remembered certain information about their date so far, such as the fact that Ellie is a Democrat and she likes shows such as “New Girl.”

The best way to explain how I feel about this story overall is that it reads a lot like an exert from a larger piece. The main character, Liam, doesn’t seem to undergo a change. Even when he is tied to the bed he doesn’t regret treating Ellie disrespectfully the night before. Ellie goes through a change, but we only know that from reading about her and Liam’s conversation earlier in the evening: she started out seemingly normal, then quickly sexualized the conversation and turned aggressive. In my opinion, her change in personality would have had more of an effect on me if the story had opened with Liam and Ellie having one of the normal conversations discussed briefly in the third paragraph. Instead the opening just dives right into an inappropriate moment, so right off the bat I assume Ellie has been sexual for the entirety of the date. Also, the mafia or whatever Ellie is running isn’t really explained and the last line of the story, “See you in hell, asshole,” is unclear because I’m not sure if Ellie or Liam is saying it. 

Response to Katie Jo Clark

In "Numb" Sophie has experienced a bad day at work when her mother calls to let her know Will, Sophie's ex-boyfriend, has been in a terrible car accident. Sophie is torn between the memories of the years she spent with Will and her hatred towards him for leaving her for another girl after they'd been together so long. Upon Will's death Sophie feels a sense of relief, because she doesn't have to feel anything towards him now that he's gone.

I really liked the flashback to the middle school dance when Sophie and Will's journey as a couple began. It showed how much time had been invested into the relationship: even if they hadn't been romantically involved as a couple since middle school, this flashback shows they'd at least known one another for a good while. While the situation with Will was tragic, I liked how Sophie's visit home allowed her to swallow her pride and admit to her mother she had lost her job and was going to move back home.

At the beginning of the story, Sophie's best friend, Zoe, is introduced. However, Zoe doesn't play any sort of role in the story at all, and therefore I believe she could be left out entirely. In addition, it isn't until near the end of the story that Sophie admits what happened at her job; there could be more hints as to what occurred on the job that lead to her being let go. I thought Sophie was pretty cold toward the whole situation. Sure Will didn't handle their relationship in the right way, but that doesn't mean she should be indifferent to his death. I wish Sophie would have felt a little bit more acceptance towards her town at the end of the story, especially since she would be living there again soon. It's insinuated in one line that moving back would cause her to become her old, vulnerable self. Vulnerable to what, exactly? Will? I also found it interesting that the other girl Will left Sophie for never came to the hospital to see him.. or maybe she was just a fling and not an actual relationship.

Response to Jordan Hays

I'm sorry, but for 99% of this story I had no idea what was going on. I'll try to write something on what I understood.

As far as I could tell, "The Henry Show" was a story about a guy writing a story about a person with a mental illness that makes him think he is constantly in front of an audience and that his entire life is filmed as part of a reality show. After a visit with what I'm assuming is his therapist in real life, Henry goes out to have a good time and ends up getting shot. I think. 

At the beginning this story did a good job of letting reader's know what was wrong with Henry; he has a mental illness, and it wasn't hard to deduce that the "actor" is actually a therapist that is trying to help Henry reconnect with reality. I found the plot creative, as I've never heard of anyone experiencing the illness Henry apparently has.

After the bar scene when the blonde girl calls Henry out for rape, I got totally lost in the story. I don't even know what to suggest to improve it because I'm that confused about what was going on. I think Henry takes two trips into the alley, and in one trip he is being mugged and in the other trip he finds a gun. I found the ending to be really jarring because I was trying to understand what was going on and then all of a sudden there enters characters totally unrelated to what I'd been reading the whole time. I felt almost like this story was started, then the author realized he was running out of room so he just tacked on that ending so he would be in the page limit. I may be totally wrong though. If that was the original intention, then I would make the character of the person who is writing the story appear earlier in the story, perhaps at the beginning. If the main character is Henry, then I don't see any emotional journey or change within him. A lot just needs to be clarified, because I'm still really confused about what I just read. 

Response to Claire Miller

"The Comfort of Keys and Bacon" follows best friends Kim and Ryan as they go on one of their frequent trips to Waffle House. Mischievous Kim has the idea to break into Ryan's ex-boyfriend's apartment, upon seeing that Ryan still has the key. Upon entering the apartment, Ryan's ex, Adam, comes in shortly after, forcing Ryan to hide in a closet while Kim confronts him; while in the closet Kim reflects on her relationship with Adam. When she finally is able to leave her hiding spot, Ryan leaves her key behind, realizing she's ready to move on.

I can really relate to this story, since my own boyfriend broke up with me just a few days ago. I thought the part of the story where Ryan tries to avoid looking at trucks while she is driving, because they might be Adam's is really realistic. I loved how she wasn't weak at the end of the story; from what Adam said, he'd gladly take Ryan back. However, Ryan is able to reflect upon past experiences with Adam and realize that she deserves someone who doesn't expect her to conform to "southern" ideals. Kim is also a great character, because she represents a true friend: she stands up for Ryan and also encourages her to let Adam go by applauding her for not defending his actions. It's very clear that Ryan goes from being unsure of her feelings towards Adam at the beginning, to knowing she's definitely done by the end.

The biggest suggestion I have for this story is to enlighten readers about what happened in Destin. It's mentioned several times in the story so obviously it's important, but the only thing I gathered that happened was that Adam's family was rude to Ryan. I think elaborating more on the circumstances surrounding the Destin trip would help readers understand Adam and his apparently snobby family better. I would also like more background on Ryan in terms of where she's from: obviously from her remarks on lacking "southern charm" and not doing Adam's laundry, she isn't originally from the South. I felt that Adam's character was a little cliché: a spoiled, rich, Southern boy waiting to take over daddy's business.

Overall though I felt the story had a good pace, and that enough dialogue was used to help the story run smoothly.

Response to Mark McDaniel

In "Five Stoplights" the narrator recalls certain memories he shared with his dying brother Harry, as he drives back from CVS with Harry's pain medication. Lost in thought, the main character almost wrecks his car when he runs a red light. The near-death experience shakes the main character up, and he hopes that his dying brother will experience more profound last thoughts than the one he almost had as his last thought.

I like how the flashbacks coordinate with the red lights. I think the best flashback is the one from the beach, where the narrator finds Harry in the ocean and notices that his back is very sunburned. When I read this part of the flashback, I experienced a sense of foreboding, since I knew that Harry would eventually get melanoma, a type of skin cancer. I wonder if the narrator recalled this certain memory because it makes him feel guilty for not offering Harry more sunscreen for his back? Although the story wasn't long, I felt like I got a good enough feel for most of the characters, especially Harry. He seems like the typical older brother, who hates when his younger siblings (I'm assuming Harry is the oldest) nag at him, as can be seen in the flashback where the narrator is asking him what a whore is. I became really used to reading the flashbacks, so I wasn't expecting the last one to be interrupted by an F150 almost crashing into the narrator's car. I think the almost-wreck was shocking, which I think the writer intended.

Although the narrator is not the main focus of the story, I still don't think it would hurt to give him a name. His name could maybe be added into some of the dialogue in one of the flashbacks. Giving the narrator a name would, to me, make him seem more connected to Chelsea and Harry. There's a part at the beginning of the story where the narrator says, "I wonder if you need water for this, if you do Harry won't be able to take it anymore." This is a pretty intense statement to be left unexplained. I'm assuming that Harry can't swallow, or has a tube or something down his throat that makes it impossible for him to swallow pills. Either way, why was the narrator even sent to get the medicine then, since it was unlikely Harry could take it? I may be missing something here that will be explained in class.

Response to Megan Lindsey

In "title" the main character is hit with the news that her best friend since fifth grade, Clara Daily, has become a suicide victim. Unsure as to what could have driven such a popular, seemingly happy girl to end her own life, the main character goes to Birmingham looking for answers and to say her final goodbyes. While in Birmingham, the main character discovers a journal of Clara's that offers some insight into her untimely death, which ultimately helps the main character to become more at peace with the situation.

I liked how the story was told from the view of Clara's best friend instead of an immediate relative, because it proved she was truly cared about by people other than her parents. I appreciated how the author showed us the fifth grade Clara and main character, then progressed to middle school, etc. to show how their friendship grew and what type of person Clara was. I think the specific details such as eating strawberry twizzlers on the bus added a nice touch, because it showed that the main character treasured those moments with Clara enough to remember small details such as that. It really touched me when the main character braided her hair for the funeral in the way Clara liked it, because I think that line proved that the main character had faith that Clara would be looking down on her during the funeral.

Throughout the story I couldn't decide if the narrator or Clara was the main character of the story. Since Clara is dead, I would assume that the narrator is the main character. However, unless I missed this while reading the story, the narrator is never given a name. This makes the story a little confusing, and made this review hard to write because I keep having to refer to the narrator as "the main character" which makes her feel like a faceless person to me. The story seemed to move at a really fast pace, and I think some more dialogue could be added; for example, when the main character/narrator goes to Clara's house, she sees Mrs. Daily. From just reading the story, it looks like the narrator doesn't even speak to Mrs. Daily, but just goes straight to Clara's room. I assume they spoke to one another, since most people don't just show up at someone's home after they've passed away and just barge in the house without speaking to anyone there. Dialogue at this point could've been used to help the readers understand what kind of people Clara's parents were, which would have made it easier to understand why in her letter she speaks so much about the pressure to be perfect. In general I felt like I was reading a summary of a story and not an actual story; if everything was expanded on more I think this piece would have more of the intended emotional impact the author wanted it to have.

Response to "A Temporary Matter"

What I like most about this piece is how the author included elements from her culture into the story. I feel like sometimes stories like this focus a lot on people trying to "Americanize" themselves, but Shoba  and Shukumar seem extremely proud of where they come from, and you can see this by the way they still incorporate Indian food into their meals and especially when they practice Indian ceremonies.

The ending of this story caught me off guard, mainly because I inferred from the title that the relationship issues Shoba and Shukumar were experiencing were, well, temporary. However it is clear that when Shoba turns off the lights she is simultaneously extinguishing their relationship. This surprised me too, because I feel that if I were fairly new to a country I would be scared to go out on my own. I think if I had been Shoba or Shukumar, I would've craved the predicability and familiarity of the other. Possibly, however, the author's title will still come into play in the future, and the two will reconcile. I would like to think they would anyway.

However, I really enjoyed how easy this was to read and I didn't feel like I was trying to figure out some deep "hidden" meaning. The use of flashbacks were effective in showing the raising conflict in the couple's relationship and helped me to better understand the couple's personalities/characteristics.

Response to "Brownies"

I really liked this story, because Laurel, or Snot, was such a mature character for her age. While she was only in the fourth grade Laurel could see the injustice and racism that occurred all around her; not just racism towards herself, either: she witnessed her own father being racist towards a group of Mennonites. It appears that the troop view whites as these creatures that exist in a world separate from their own. It never crossed their minds that the girls from Troop 909 might have disabilities, and even when they learned they were disabled, it didn't stop them from mocking them on the bus ride home. Obviously Arnetta had never heard anyone from Troop 909 call any of the girls in her troop a "nigger." Arnetta was an instigator, and people like her really get on my nerves, regardless of their race.  The line where Laurel narrates, "We had all been taught that adulthood was full of sorrow and pain, taxes and bills, dreaded work and dealings with whites, sickness and death" really stuck out to me, because it was shocking that white people was grouped in with horrible things such as sickness and death. As a white person, I don't find myself someone that black people have to deal with, and it's sad to me if black people actually feel that way. For the author to mention it, it their must be some truth to it.

Orozco & Johnson response

In my opinion "Orientation" was extremely relatable. I've had a job since I was 16 years old, and every time the orientation is crammed full of information that in all honesty goes in one ear and out the other. The paragraphs were structured to relay this hurried dose of information. Like the new employee trying to pay attention, I found my mind would often wander during tedious safety explanations and procedure charts during my orientations. I love how the narrator explains intimate details about each coworker-- I've found that I too learn way too much about people I work with too, whether I'd like to or not (for example I once had a co-worker who wore bar-bell piercings through her nipples so she and her husband could have kinky sex.. WAY too much information). Despite being able to relate to this on a certain level, the causal mention of the serial killer was stunning, and it made me appreciate the monotony of the rest of the piece.

"Car Crash While Hitchhiking" made me feel like I was on the same drugs the actual narrator was on. The changes in perspective and the narrator not being able to tell the injured man what was real was just really bizarre to me. The line "It felt wonderful to be alive to hear it. I've going looking for that feeling everywhere" struck me the most. The narrator says this after the injured man's wife discovers her husband is dead. While the appreciation of such a cry as the woman had seems quite morbid, it offers a little insight into the character of the narrator in my opinion. It seems to me that in the woman's agony he realizes the love he wishes to have and has tried to find through drugs and alcohol, yet hasn't been successful. The rawness of her sadness strikes him and makes him feel actually present in the moment instead of in a drug haze.

Trash Can Exercise

Amanda’s trash can set under the open kitchen window. It couldn’t smell at all, or she might gag. The trash can and bag lining it were both black to match the decor of the kitchen; also, black made unattractive objects, such as the trash can, seem slimmer. Inside the trash can, crushed in the bottom of the bag, empty Slim Fast cans lay coated with thick vomit, in which swirled whole chunks of blueberry pie, macaroons and a once large meat lover’s pizza. Filling in some of the empty spaces between the cans and vomit were price tags that had been ripped off newly purchased clothing. One laying face up revealed the size of the blouse just purchase (a size 2) and the other folded over a few times exposed the price of a pair of trousers (only $450). Covering all of this trash up was a huge, empty Bergdorf Goodman shopping bag. This bag concealed the trash underneath so well than anyone peering inside of the trash can would be ignorant to the scene below.

This is supposed to reveal that Amanda has an eating disorder. She drinks the Slim Fast, then binges on unhealthy foods before making herself purge. The size sticker shows she's clearly not overweight. In addition, the price tag of only $450, the macaroons and the Bergdorf Goodman shopping bag reveal that she is affluent. 

"The Things They Carried" Response

I first read this short story in high school, and I honestly didn't like it then. I felt it just rambled and that it didn't offer much of a "story" at all (keep in mind that my idea of a good read then was the newest Nicholas Sparks' novel). But now that I'm older and I think I appreciated it a lot more.

I think a lot of the times when one thinks of the military they think of them as one unit, not individual people. "The Things They Carried" forces readers to see each person in the unit as a individual by describing something they carried with them. It allowed me to realize how something as simple as M&M's may be a sweet reminder of home to someone off at war. The author does a good job of describing the guilt Jimmy Cross feels when Ted Lavender dies, in addition to the anxiety O'Brien feels toward the situation with his sweetheart back home. When I first read the story years ago I didn't like the lack of dialogue, but I think for this story this works because sometimes long dialouges don't have to be exchanged in order for a story to occur.

Response to Tylar Threatt

"Nameless" brings up a very good point. Often in college students do not really take the time to acknowledge and network with other students in their classes. As the author points out, it might not be our lack of care for these people as much as it is our desire to just get by in our classes and be done for the day. I really like the stanza breaks in this poem, because the breaks allowed just enough of a pause to reflect on what was just read. I think the poem offers questions, such as "What have we become?" that allows readers to form their own conclusion. The poem itself encourages us to think, something the author seems to believe we haven't really been doing in the classroom, as he writes "Not retaining this information."

The stanza that states "I am not defined by my C-average grades, they just get me by, I am defined by the hunger to succeed" doesn't really make sense. Someone with a "hunger" to succeed would probably care about their grades. Unless the voice of the poem is maybe in an internship or something that can measure his talents in a way that a classroom couldn't, then the only way he can appear to be aiming for success is by getting good grades. While a "C" isn't bad, I don't typically envision someone hungry for success being satisfied with an average grade. I also think that in the first stanza the it would be okay to make the room described one color: saying "white/gray" is a little bit of a mouthful and doesn't allow the first stanza to flow very well.

Response to Will Matthews

In "Tunes" the voice of the poem describes how music has a positive effect on him. I like the line "take me through generations of music and culture" making the music not just about personal taste, but making it a historical experience as well. In the second stanza I think the word "grooves" is a clever choice in the line "And time grooves on" because it has a musical element to it, yet still relays to the reader that time is passing. I like how the poem is simple and only two stanzas, because it reminds me that listening to music doesn't have to be a big production, but can be a simple joy.

The part of this poem that most confused me were the lines "Two pieces of plastic and a cord." Are we talking about an iPod here? A cd player? At first I thought it was a guitar, but then I remember guitars aren't typically made of plastic. I think this line could be clarified more, otherwise some readers might literally envision two pieces of plastic and a cord and get confused. Also, I think the last line in the second stanza could be stronger. "I jam the day away" seems a little typical, and from reading the rest of the poem I can tell the author could come up with something more creative.

Ekphrasis Poem

Subway Exit by O. Louis Guglielmi

Sunlight beats on my skin. 

I see the sky at last. 

Underground terrifies

me. The subway headed

down the tunnel of dark

makes me nervous, but Ma 

is late and she doesn’t

care that I’m scared. We rush

through the crowds of people.

She grabs my arm pulling

me to New York City. 

My feet hit the concrete 

steps and my hand brushes

across the iron railing.

I can see it! I can
smell the fresh air! Oh God

have mercy on us this 

day. Maybe Ma will find 

a job and we can eat

tonight and tomorrow

and I won’t have to take 

the underground again. 

Response to Jenni Roy

"The Storm" describes a couple (or maybe it's just one person?) that goes on a boat ride. Unfortunately, as soon as they are out of site of the shore, a storm begins to brew. The author uses alliteration in several places effectively. For example "blanket of blackness", "thunder thumps" and "burly beast" are all alliterative, yet it is appropriate for the poem and it doesn't come off as the author trying too hard to include a literary device. I like how the title is straight to the point.

The first thing I would change about this poem is the line breaks in the third stanza. The lines are really long compared to the rest of the stanzas, and just at first glance that stanza looks really out of place with the rest of the poem. In addition, the second stanza confused me. Who is the "you" the author is talking about..? After reading the poem through the first time I thought maybe the second stanza was referring to the sun, since the last stanza talks about the sun betraying trust. That almost made sense until I realized the sun doesn't have "emerald eyes." I really think that stanza could be replaced to describe maybe a shift in mood from the first stanza, which would allow the storm to be introduced in a more gradual way. Currently it seems the third stanza is trying to introduce the storm and explain its fury, so giving the second stanza the introduction would allow the third stanza to be more powerful in its content.

Response to Leslie Schroeder

I really enjoyed this poem. I would like to think the author drew inspiration from maybe her grandmother when she was writing it. The poem describes an older lady going about making a cake and eventually potting plants. I liked how the author chose to write the poem from the viewpoint of the hands; they become the perfect storytellers. I actually started reading the poem before I read the title and I got really confused; however, once I read the title it made sense, so kudos to the author for picking an appropriate title that prepared readers. It is evident the author made an effort to produce a clear image to the audience. I especially like the use of the words "curled" and "clutched" because when I read them I could see the hand performing the action of stirring batter or reaching in the refrigerator for milk. The Gone With the Wind reference also helps give the reader an idea about the owner of the hands; clearly she is Southern and perhaps proper.

The only thing I would change about this poem is a few word choices. Sometimes, the poem seemed a little wordy. For example "sunshine, yellow yolk" is redundant. The word "sunshine" usually lets people know something is yellow, so it isn't necessary for both words to be used. Another instance occurs in the line "We hands, both the left and right.." Since the word "hands" was used the reader will know it's both the left and the right hand, so that doesn't need to be clarified. Also I'm not entirely sure if the scene with the plants is needed. Since a lot of the poem is dedicated to the kitchen scene, the flower scene seems a little random, and then it ends abruptly. Maybe the author could replace the lines about plotting plants by expanding on the kitchen some more to finish out the poem.

On a more personal note, this reminded me a lot of my great-grandmother so that made me smile :)

that thing we did in class..

a slight breeze lifts the sticky sand.
ocean waves froth and curl on the smooth shore.
white seashells prick the bottoms of bare feet.
sunburned lips kiss a cherry popsicle.

Poem Workshop One

Critique: I Wonder Why

I enjoyed how this poem personified clouds. Sure we notice clouds, but rarely do we stop to ever wonder at their direction. The way different weather scenarios, such as crying representing rain, are expressed is very creative and allows for a clear vision to form in the reader’s mind. I feel the break between stanzas is appropriate and allows the first line of each stanza to stand out, as I’m sure the author intended.

As for any changes I’d make, I don’t feel the title accurately prepares readers for the poem. It seems weaker than the poem as a whole is. The alliteration at the end with “exhaustion”, “exasperation”, and “exaggeration” seems a little forced. Maybe if one of the “e” words was replaced with another word then the alliteration wouldn’t seems as intentional. I also felt the last stanza was confusing in a way the others were not; who is trapped in a mindless sphere? You or the clouds?

Overall though I felt the poem flowed well and has great potential. 

Critique: My Home

This poem is about how the security of our homes serve as a comfort to us because they are familiar, and also how they can serve as type of prison, keeping us from discovering new places. I felt the imagery the author used here was great; it wasn’t hard for me to envision a yard with thick trees, surrounded by high walls. I like the point the author made about how the comforts the home offers is actually the dragon. I can relate to this because I’m from a small town where people rarely leave because they are too afraid of losing the comforts they have in a place they’re already familiar with. 

The main thing I would change about this poem is the format. The way it is currently formatted made me feel like I had to read the poem quickly, and I honestly felt breathless by the time it was over. I also think the “bad memories” mentioned in the first line could be expanded on. What exactly happened here? Just a little bit of insight might  further improve the impact of this poem. The line “Like a princess locked away in a tower” feels like something I’ve read before, and I think it could be replaced with something that isn’t so common.

It is obvious though that a lot of hard work was put into this poem, so good job! 

Happy Snow Day!

These pictures were taken before the actual snowfall; the top shows icicles that had formed at the base of a bird's nest on my balcony. The bottom shows the ice that had formed on the ivy that covers the outside wall of my apartment. It was nice to be able to have a day off from school! :)

The Dancer//Voice Poem

The Dancer

I am strong
and strive for perfection.
I steer my feet towards excellence
and with each strain of my toes
I gain stamina.

I am music and lyrics
and muscle and ligaments.
I am an artist of motion
and pink pointed shoes.
I am perfection.

I am tights and tutus
and turns on wood floors.
I am trembling nerves
and terrific smiles on stage.
I am a dancer.


.......
I wrote this in the voice of a dancer, but I've never danced a day in my life.

Replacement Poem

Homage to Her Legs

her legs are long legs

they need room to

stretch around in.

they don't walk into small

cramped spaces. those legs

are adventurous legs.

they don't like to be held back.

those legs have never been restrained,   

they roam where they want to roam

they walk where they want to walk.

those legs are strong legs.

those legs are soft legs.

she has wanted them

to strut a walk on a runway and

rock it like a model!

As embarrassing as this sounds, this was really hard for me to do. I tried multiple poems before settling on this one, and it just seems corny. Especially the last two lines. 

The Woman Who Could Not Live With Her Faulty Heart//Homage to My Hips

Both Margaret Atwood and Lucille Clifton's poems personify a part of the human body; the former personifies the heart, while the later gives her hips a sassy personality.

In "The Woman Who Could Not Live With Her Faulty Heart", Atwood describes the heart as a third eye living inside her; a person who cries "I want" and "I don't want". While she sleeps the heart keeps watch, yet never informs her of what's passed in her sleep. Her heart is a "constant pestering." It's almost like her heart is a metaphor for a small child that can't be put to rest after a long day of play. The last line reads "One night I will say to it: Heart, be still, and it will." It appears that the author has come to terms with the fact that her heart will never give her any rest until it is time for her to die and it beats no more.

Since we live in a society that constantly preaches diets and obtaining slimness, it's interesting to see a poem about "big hips." "Homage to My Hips" embraces the curves of the female body, even giving the hips a personality of their own. These hips seem fearless and determined: "they don't like to be held back." Clifton claims they are "magic" and "mighty." Her confidence in herself and in her body is evident in the last two lines where she brags her hips have been know "to put a spell on a man and spin him like a top!" Unlike Atwood, Clifton has no complaints in her poem.

Both Clifton at Atwood are successful at representing the female body. Just like a real female standing in front of a mirror, these poems together offer both criticism and praise towards the body.

Imagery Poem

Sunset

Blood red cuts into dusky blue
An ombré of nature's colors
On display for the world to see

Stars swirling with the day's last rays
Ignite the dark side of the sky
Fighting off the last signs of day

At last the red and orange relent
Handing the sky over to black
The sun kisses the sky goodbye

Response to Lee, Olds, Neruda, and Bierds Poems

These poems interconnect in that they all tell some sort of story. At least I'm confident the first three tell stories, as I'm clueless as to what's going on in the last poem.

I really appreciated the way Lee's "Loading a Boar" was written; he captured the essence of the type of person who would be loading a boar. It would be strange if the poem had been written in neat stanzas with formal language. Instead the stream of consciousness, the beer and the profanity make this poem believable. I think John has a great point when he tells the writer "you gotta write poems about what you know." Instead of writing a poem on a subject the poet thinks a poem should be about, he writes about something he understands, even if it isn't a glamorous task, such as loading a boar.

In contrast to "Loading a Boar" Olds' s "I Go Back to May 1937" is structured more like you would expect a poem to be structured. The inner turmoil the person in the poem is facing is fascinating to me: she wants to warn her parents of their future, yet she is selfish enough to still want to be born. I feel that as a college student I can relate to this poem in that, like the man and the woman in the poem, I don't know what the future might hold. Everyone starts out life as innocent, and at some point that innocence is taken. In addition, it is only human nature to make bad choices or mistakes. It appears from what the author says that the marriage between the man and the woman results in a loss of this innocence, and the beginning of a string of bad choices and events. I want to feel sorry for the person writing the poem, but I feel like I need more details other than "you are going to do bad things to children" (which I assume means bad things were done to the author). Bad things like what, exactly?

The title "A Dog Has Died" seems really impersonal to me, yet the poem itself offers insight into a relationship between a dog and his owner. He speaks of the dog as if he was the only dog to have ever not have been "obsessed with sex" or "full of mange." He seems envious of his dogs happiness and recalls fondly the times they have together. This last stanza doesn't seem to go with the rest of the poem. "So now he's gone and I buried him, and that's all there is to it." He sounds indifferent to his dog's death, yet if he was indifferent why would he recall so many good memories about his dog? Heck, why would he even write an entire poem about the death of his dog if "that's all there is to it"? It's almost as if he's trying to appear like he doesn't care, when in reality the event has upset him.

To be honest DNA by Biereds was the most confusing poem I've ever read. I assume during the course of the poem DNA is discovered..? "Star-shot elegance" sounds pretty but I have no idea what it means. The whole poem is just a strange collection of shapes and stars and then something about a lamb. Maybe I'll figure out what's going on in this poem when we discuss it in class, because right now I'm really clueless.

A Response to "so much depends"/ "Kitchen Maid with Supper at Emmaus, or The Mulata"/"Introduction to Poetry"/Photographs of the Interiors of Dictators' Houses

These poems were inspiring in that while their topics were varied, they all successfully demonstrated exceptional use of imagery.

The simplicity, yet effectiveness, of "[so much depends]" allowed me to realize that a poem doesn't have to be wordy to evoke imagery. The spaces between the stanzas allowed me to reflect on what I had just read, thus resulting in a picture building in my mind of the red wheel barrow glistening with rain beside the white chickens.

In contrast to "[so much depends]", Albert Goldbarth spared no words in his "Photographs of the Interiors of Dictators' Houses". Even the title is a mouthful. Once again, however, the poem demonstrates imagery that creates a (very detailed) imagine in the reader's mind. However, the abundance of words seems necessary for this poem; in contrast to the simple scene painted in "[so much depends]", "Photographs" provides a snapshot into a very elaborate, gaudy home complete with "gold commodes." This gold monstrosity and the inhabitants that "drunkenly saunter" around the house is excessive in every way imaginable; therefore it is only appropriate that the poem itself in in excess.

"Introduction to Poetry" took me on a journey as I imagined the poem going through each scenario Billy Collins describes. The poem becomes more than a piece of paper with ink; it becomes interactive. I could easily imagine a reader diving into the surface of the poem and "feel the wall for a light switch." The stanza that says, "They begin beating it with a hose, to find out what it really means" stuck out to me the most, however. I find myself a victim of attempting to "make" a poem have a purpose. I feel through imagery Collins is encouraging readers to stop trying so hard and just enjoy the poem for what it is.

Natasha Tretheway uses little words to describe the actual physical appearance of the kitchen maid in "The Kitchen Maid with Supper at Emmaus, or the Mulata", but instead uses the kitchen itself to create the image of the maid. It's strange how unconventional descriptions can result in a better understanding of a person; I could easily see the woman silently tipping the copper pot into empty glasses or moving around the kitchen stacking bowls or brushing her hand against the basket hung on the wall. Tretheway's technique allowed me to simultaneously imagine the kitchen as well as its matriarch.

These four poems approached imagery in four different ways; however, they each accomplished what they set out to do: evoke images in the readers' mind. Sometimes these images helped prove a point, such as in "Introduction to Poetry," while others relished in simplicity "[so much depends]" or excess "Photographs." Meanwhile "The Kitchen Maid.." proved that unconventional ways of describing a person can still produce a powerful image. Before reading these I assumed that all imagery required a lot of words and basic details. However, I now see there are many ways to create imagery, and I hope to use these works as inspiration to add variety to my own poetry.