Response to Sally

"A Night on the Drunk Bus" is a memoir about riding Auburn's security shuttle around for awhile in order to escape a rough day. Sally explains how she mistook a Seeing Eye dog for a "pet a puppy day" pet, had coffee spilled on her, and how she bombed her first speech assignment. This experience was important to her because it introduced her to a new pastime: riding the "drunk bus" for pleasure.

The fact you were brave enough to just get on the drunk bus and ask to ride around is hilarious to me. The idea is so original, and I doubt anyone else has done it before. Anyway, back to your story. I think you do a good job of explaining the unfortunate circumstances of your day very well. You were clearly mortified at what had happened involving the dog and the coffee. I also really liked how you included the shuttle driver's story about the blueberry bubblegum and incorporated how the other girls in the bus took some before they left.

My biggest suggestion would be to add some paragraph breaks within the story, since without them I read the story really fast. I also think you could expand some of your scenes; I'm sure the man responded to your comment on the dog, so you could go into more detail about what was said after you made the mistake. You could also expand the scene in the classroom where you were giving your speech, giving readers specific details as to where you messed up in your speech. In addition, I think you should give readers a more clear idea of the time frame change from class to the drunk bus. From reading your story it appears you left straight from class to get on the drunk bus, but since those shuttles don't start running until 6 and most people don't "go out" (such as the other people in the bus were doing) until much later than that, then I would assume there was some time between class and your shuttle ride. If there was time, then you could explain what you and maybe what inspired you to take the shuttle that evening.