On a Boulder, In a Cloud is a memoir about Carson's experience after an over-night camping trip. He and his friends decide to check out the area around their campsite after they've packed up from the night before. What ensues is Carson finding peace within himself as he faces nature in its rawest form.
I really liked your piece a lot. I felt like you painted each scene delicately so that even those who had never been camping before could envision everything that was going on. As someone who has been to sketchy campsites before, I applaud your description of the deserted bathrooms and the area lit only from the LCD lighting of the drink machines. You were able to perfectly capture the creepiness those things have to offer in a deserted area. I'm sure someone will comment that you need dialogue, but I think your story works better without; to include conversation would almost break us out of the trance you've put us in with the vivid description of nature.
As for improvements, I can't seem to think of anything really. Maybe you could expand the ending to let us know if the feeling you felt on the boulder carried with you as you and your friends continued on your journey. I'm a little confused as to how y'all all ended up together though; did y'all just meet Billy at part of the trail? Perhaps a little bit more of a backstory regarding y'alls trip might strengthen the characters in the story.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Response to Laura
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome is a piece about Laura's brother who has the syndrome which the story is named after. I had a hard time deciding if this was a memoir or a personal essay. It seemed somewhere caught in the middle, because while I learned a lot about this syndrome, I don't feel like there was much of a memoir component until the end with the bus driver.
This piece surprised me because I wasn't expecting to read anything like this. It was really informative, and I liked how you included that your mother was a doctor. Through explaining about the feeding issues your brother experienced, you were able to show how difficult it was for her as a pediatrician to not know what was wrong with her son. I liked the transition in the story where you went from explaining how your brother was picking flowers on a soccer field to discussing the self-injurious behavior he would sometimes have. The last scene in the story was my favorite, although I couldn't believe a bus driver of special needs children could be so rude and insensitive. Props to you for standing up to his behavior! Including that in your story showed how devoted you are to your brother and how much you love him.
Sometimes I felt a little blinded by the amount of similes, metaphors and alliteration included in this piece. I think more simple language could be used and still allow you to get your point across. Not that there's anything wrong with those literary elements, but I feel like they work better in moderation so that they don't distract from your message. In addition, I would reorganize the story. The scene with the bus driver is interesting, and it shows your emotional investment in your brother; therefore, I think that part should be extended and introduced earlier in the story. That way you can answer more questions such as how did that experience make you feel? did it make you more aware of the difficulties your brother might face in the future? did anything change with the bus driver after that day? I think making that scene stronger would enhance the overall story.
This piece surprised me because I wasn't expecting to read anything like this. It was really informative, and I liked how you included that your mother was a doctor. Through explaining about the feeding issues your brother experienced, you were able to show how difficult it was for her as a pediatrician to not know what was wrong with her son. I liked the transition in the story where you went from explaining how your brother was picking flowers on a soccer field to discussing the self-injurious behavior he would sometimes have. The last scene in the story was my favorite, although I couldn't believe a bus driver of special needs children could be so rude and insensitive. Props to you for standing up to his behavior! Including that in your story showed how devoted you are to your brother and how much you love him.
Sometimes I felt a little blinded by the amount of similes, metaphors and alliteration included in this piece. I think more simple language could be used and still allow you to get your point across. Not that there's anything wrong with those literary elements, but I feel like they work better in moderation so that they don't distract from your message. In addition, I would reorganize the story. The scene with the bus driver is interesting, and it shows your emotional investment in your brother; therefore, I think that part should be extended and introduced earlier in the story. That way you can answer more questions such as how did that experience make you feel? did it make you more aware of the difficulties your brother might face in the future? did anything change with the bus driver after that day? I think making that scene stronger would enhance the overall story.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Response to Sally
"A Night on the Drunk Bus" is a memoir about riding Auburn's security shuttle around for awhile in order to escape a rough day. Sally explains how she mistook a Seeing Eye dog for a "pet a puppy day" pet, had coffee spilled on her, and how she bombed her first speech assignment. This experience was important to her because it introduced her to a new pastime: riding the "drunk bus" for pleasure.
The fact you were brave enough to just get on the drunk bus and ask to ride around is hilarious to me. The idea is so original, and I doubt anyone else has done it before. Anyway, back to your story. I think you do a good job of explaining the unfortunate circumstances of your day very well. You were clearly mortified at what had happened involving the dog and the coffee. I also really liked how you included the shuttle driver's story about the blueberry bubblegum and incorporated how the other girls in the bus took some before they left.
My biggest suggestion would be to add some paragraph breaks within the story, since without them I read the story really fast. I also think you could expand some of your scenes; I'm sure the man responded to your comment on the dog, so you could go into more detail about what was said after you made the mistake. You could also expand the scene in the classroom where you were giving your speech, giving readers specific details as to where you messed up in your speech. In addition, I think you should give readers a more clear idea of the time frame change from class to the drunk bus. From reading your story it appears you left straight from class to get on the drunk bus, but since those shuttles don't start running until 6 and most people don't "go out" (such as the other people in the bus were doing) until much later than that, then I would assume there was some time between class and your shuttle ride. If there was time, then you could explain what you and maybe what inspired you to take the shuttle that evening.
The fact you were brave enough to just get on the drunk bus and ask to ride around is hilarious to me. The idea is so original, and I doubt anyone else has done it before. Anyway, back to your story. I think you do a good job of explaining the unfortunate circumstances of your day very well. You were clearly mortified at what had happened involving the dog and the coffee. I also really liked how you included the shuttle driver's story about the blueberry bubblegum and incorporated how the other girls in the bus took some before they left.
My biggest suggestion would be to add some paragraph breaks within the story, since without them I read the story really fast. I also think you could expand some of your scenes; I'm sure the man responded to your comment on the dog, so you could go into more detail about what was said after you made the mistake. You could also expand the scene in the classroom where you were giving your speech, giving readers specific details as to where you messed up in your speech. In addition, I think you should give readers a more clear idea of the time frame change from class to the drunk bus. From reading your story it appears you left straight from class to get on the drunk bus, but since those shuttles don't start running until 6 and most people don't "go out" (such as the other people in the bus were doing) until much later than that, then I would assume there was some time between class and your shuttle ride. If there was time, then you could explain what you and maybe what inspired you to take the shuttle that evening.
Response to Alethia
"Left" is a memoir Alethia wrote about the day she finally left her abusive mother. Throughout her life Alethia struggled with the way her mother treated her and her siblings. The day she left she realized that by leaving she wasn't running away from her problems, but instead leaving them behind in order to have a better life.
I really loved this piece! Your writing kept my attention the entire time. I thought you explained your situation in a clear way that allowed those who may have not experienced the same thing to understand what it would be like to like with an abusive mother. I like how you opened with the scene in the Dollar General, because it led to questions such as why were you keeping track of money? and why was your Jeep actually packed? Questions that were all answered throughout the course of the story. I was really able to grasp the atmosphere in your household by the way you explained how you and your siblings kept in touch in order to know what type of mood your mom was in or if she was at the house. You also did a good job of showing how much influence your mother's boyfriend had over your mom by mentioning how he "whispered" in her ear about how she was entitled to the money you made.
My biggest suggestion would be for you to explain whether the last "olive branch" you gave your mom occurred before or after you moved out. I think that would give readers a better time-frame on when you left, too. In addition I would I think it would be good to include whether or not your sister contacted you regarding the note left on your door. Also I would like a little more information on where you went to live after you left, because I couldn't decide if you were staying at your friend's place indefinitely or if you were moving to college in a few weeks or what.
But really, this was SO good, although the subject matter was really sad. Your determination to break the cycle is evident and I admire your courage,
I really loved this piece! Your writing kept my attention the entire time. I thought you explained your situation in a clear way that allowed those who may have not experienced the same thing to understand what it would be like to like with an abusive mother. I like how you opened with the scene in the Dollar General, because it led to questions such as why were you keeping track of money? and why was your Jeep actually packed? Questions that were all answered throughout the course of the story. I was really able to grasp the atmosphere in your household by the way you explained how you and your siblings kept in touch in order to know what type of mood your mom was in or if she was at the house. You also did a good job of showing how much influence your mother's boyfriend had over your mom by mentioning how he "whispered" in her ear about how she was entitled to the money you made.
My biggest suggestion would be for you to explain whether the last "olive branch" you gave your mom occurred before or after you moved out. I think that would give readers a better time-frame on when you left, too. In addition I would I think it would be good to include whether or not your sister contacted you regarding the note left on your door. Also I would like a little more information on where you went to live after you left, because I couldn't decide if you were staying at your friend's place indefinitely or if you were moving to college in a few weeks or what.
But really, this was SO good, although the subject matter was really sad. Your determination to break the cycle is evident and I admire your courage,
Response to Carrie
"Learning to Let Go" is a memoir about when Carrie hit her head while attempting to rope-swing into a lake. Through the help of her friends and family she is able to overcome her ordeal and proceed to move off to college. Through this experience Carrie learns to ultimately let go of things that scare her, including her upcoming college experience.
I liked how the title could have multiple meanings: learning to let go of the rope-swing and learning to let go of life and home by moving to college. It's obvious Carrie is very close to her family, something I can relate with, and she does a good job of describing this closeness through explaining how she used to hate going to sixth grade and looked forward to seeing her mom when she got home in the afternoon. I also liked how you explained your friends in the story without going into too much detail. They didn't really need to be fully developed, but they were developed enough that they weren't boring (for example, including facts about your friends such as one didn't like to see vomit and another had a fear of ambulances were nice additions to your story).
As for suggestions, I would like to know what you hit your head on. I guess explain a little more clearly where you landed when you fell. Did you swing out into the water and didn't let go until it was pulling you back to shore, or did you let go before the swing had even reached the water? Also the transition between eating grapes and having a seizure was a little rocky to me, because I wasn't exactly sure where you were when you had the seizure. I think including whether or not you're afraid of getting in the water now would be interesting, because I'm sure that's an event you recall every time you're around water.
On a side note, I hope it didn't work out with Jack because anyone who would leave on a jet ski like that and then ask you if they were "still hot" after you had a seizure sounds like an ass to me, haha
I liked how the title could have multiple meanings: learning to let go of the rope-swing and learning to let go of life and home by moving to college. It's obvious Carrie is very close to her family, something I can relate with, and she does a good job of describing this closeness through explaining how she used to hate going to sixth grade and looked forward to seeing her mom when she got home in the afternoon. I also liked how you explained your friends in the story without going into too much detail. They didn't really need to be fully developed, but they were developed enough that they weren't boring (for example, including facts about your friends such as one didn't like to see vomit and another had a fear of ambulances were nice additions to your story).
As for suggestions, I would like to know what you hit your head on. I guess explain a little more clearly where you landed when you fell. Did you swing out into the water and didn't let go until it was pulling you back to shore, or did you let go before the swing had even reached the water? Also the transition between eating grapes and having a seizure was a little rocky to me, because I wasn't exactly sure where you were when you had the seizure. I think including whether or not you're afraid of getting in the water now would be interesting, because I'm sure that's an event you recall every time you're around water.
On a side note, I hope it didn't work out with Jack because anyone who would leave on a jet ski like that and then ask you if they were "still hot" after you had a seizure sounds like an ass to me, haha
Response to Leslie
"Five of Me" describes Leslie's parents' struggle as they try to expand their family of three to a family of four (or more) through a series of drugs used to help couples become pregnant. This memoir is important to Leslie because until she was 8 years old, she didn't know the complications her parents faced trying to conceive her.
Because you weren't able to witness everything that happened first hand, you had to explain what you "thought" was going on, and I think you did this in really well. I especially liked the part where you told readers that your dad hated seeing someone put an earring in, yet he was responsible for injecting your mother with a needle, an experience that was probably really difficult for him. I also liked that you took the time to find out the exact names of the pills and treatment your mother took to help her achieve pregnancy; this made the writing very clear and prevented readers from getting the different medications confused with one another. In addition, you did a good job of explaining your parents desperation for another child, showing they would go to as many lengths as possible to achieve their dream. I liked that you included the price of In Vitro fertilization in the story too, because I didn't realize how expensive the procedure was, and if you hadn't included it I would have wondered why your parents didn't try that option.
As for revisions, I would like to see a little more of your brother in the story: did he want a sibling? how did he feel when he found out your parents were expecting? Also I would like to see how your parents felt once they found out they were pregnant: did your mom take extra precautions during her pregnancy because she was afraid she might lose you? was your dad overprotective of you once you were born? Just getting more an idea of their emotions once they found out would be a good addition to the story. I guess what I'm basically trying to say is expand the ending a little more.
Overall, great job though! :)
Because you weren't able to witness everything that happened first hand, you had to explain what you "thought" was going on, and I think you did this in really well. I especially liked the part where you told readers that your dad hated seeing someone put an earring in, yet he was responsible for injecting your mother with a needle, an experience that was probably really difficult for him. I also liked that you took the time to find out the exact names of the pills and treatment your mother took to help her achieve pregnancy; this made the writing very clear and prevented readers from getting the different medications confused with one another. In addition, you did a good job of explaining your parents desperation for another child, showing they would go to as many lengths as possible to achieve their dream. I liked that you included the price of In Vitro fertilization in the story too, because I didn't realize how expensive the procedure was, and if you hadn't included it I would have wondered why your parents didn't try that option.
As for revisions, I would like to see a little more of your brother in the story: did he want a sibling? how did he feel when he found out your parents were expecting? Also I would like to see how your parents felt once they found out they were pregnant: did your mom take extra precautions during her pregnancy because she was afraid she might lose you? was your dad overprotective of you once you were born? Just getting more an idea of their emotions once they found out would be a good addition to the story. I guess what I'm basically trying to say is expand the ending a little more.
Overall, great job though! :)
Friday, April 4, 2014
Non-Fiction Class Exercise
When I was in the fifth grade, I became best friends with Allie. We played on the same basketball team together, went to the same after-school program and loved McDonald’s--it was an ideal friendship. We stayed friends into our middle school years, too. One Saturday in seventh grade after I had stayed the night over at Allie’s, her family had an emergency. I needed to leave so her family could ride over to the hospital. My mother was out of town at my sister’s dance competition, and my dad was at work, so I called my grandmother to come pick me up from Allie’s house. I was surprised when my grandmother refused. “I’m sorry sweetie but I can’t drive over to that house with those people,” I remember her saying defiantly. Eventually I was able to get my great-aunt to come pick me up, but the phone conversation I’d had with grandmother still lingered in the back of my mind.
I decided not to ask any questions until my mother got home from the competition. “Mom,” I asked, walking into her bedroom later that night, “why does Grandma hate Allie’s family?” My mother turned away from the dresser she’d been placing clothing into and faced me, her brows furrowed.
“I don’t know if your Grandmother would appreciate me telling you this or not,” she said. She ran her fingers through her brown hair, something she always did when she was nervous. Now, I had to know.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I said, my eyes growing wider as I attempted a look of innocence. I walked further into the bedroom and said down at the end of her bed, anticipating the story.
“Well,” my mother said, taking a seat beside me on the bed, “when I was a little girl, your grandfather cheated on your grandmother with Allie’s mom.” I was still had not gotten over the shock of this statement when she continued, “Allie’s mom had a baby not long after, and while she claimed it was her husbands, it looked remarkably like your grandfather.”
I’d only seen Allie’s brother a few times; Allie’s parents had been a lot older when Allie was born, so her brother was already married and living in another state when Allie and I met. Still, I couldn’t believe I had never noticed the resemblance the times I had seen him.
“I swear I won’t tell,” I said, my eyes wide again, this time with shock. I never mentioned the conversation my mother and I had again to anyone, especially my grandmother. I couldn’t believe that of all people I could’ve been friends with, I chose my unknown half-uncle’s sister! Small towns always harbor a lot of secrets, but I never imagined my family shared in a part of that.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Personal to Abstract
Ballerinas in pink slippers, Dancing With the Stars contestants and Step It Up movies are a few things that might come to mind when one hears the word “dance.” Traced back as far as 3000 B.C., dance has played a significant role in society. Even the Bible mentions the art; Ecclesiastes 3:4 reads “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” While it can be argued that watching dancing is enjoyable, actually engaging in dancing always leads one to ask the question: can I dance or not?
A young girl watching a ballet for the first time might be captivated by the dancers fluid motions. As the dancer spins gracefully on the dark stage, she keeps her composure and seems oblivious to the hundreds of eyes watching her every motion. As she finishes her final turn, she ends the sequence with a slight bow as the audience rises to their feet in applause. She’s free and she’s more than an artist: she’s art itself.
When I was younger, I fell in love with ballets such as The Nutcracker and Swan Lake. I dreamed of perfecting pirouettes and leaping across the stage; I would spin around aimlessly in my living room, unaware that I looked nothing like the girls on stage.
My 10th grade year of high school, I tried out for my school’s dance team. Since the sponsor’s daughter, who was also trying out, scored the lowest out of all those who auditioned, it was decided everyone who tried out would be let on the team. This team was far from Swan Lake. I quickly learned, and everyone else pointed out, that I could not keep beat to save my life. During dances I was either a beat ahead or behind, which threw off the synchronization of the entire performance.
Another girl on the team bullied me and constantly complained about my inadequate dancing to the point that I went home from many practices in tears. I used to be awed by dancing, and now I dreaded going to practice. Did I miss a footnote in the Bible where “a time to dance” actually meant to be read “a time to dance (only if you’re talented)”? Sure the ballerina in The Nutcracker had talent, but did she dance because she had talent or because she loved dancing?
No, I wasn’t a good dancer. Many people, I’ve learned, are not. But I don’t think the point of dancing was to ever impress someone; besides, that’s objective anyway. Maybe those dancers in 3000 B.C. danced, well, for fun. This made me question what else in my life I’ve sacrificed because of others opinions. How much happiness do we let go out of fear of being imperfect? It’s been almost three years since I graduated high school, and I doubt anyone I graduated with remembers if I was a beat off during the half-time dance. Let go of the insecurities, and dance if you want.. even if you can’t. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about being an artist or a perfect ten, it’s about being happy.
Kelly Carlisle Response
When I first read this, I couldn't help but think that it seemed like something out of a movie: a woman grows up thinking her mother died in a car crash, but later she discovers it was something much more complicated. I feel Carlisle did a great job of guiding readers through her story. Kelly's desire to know more about her mother is realistic, and I was rooting for her to find answers.
I found myself feeling sorry for Kelly. What must it be like, I wondered, to grow up not knowing anything about your parents? How would it be for years to believe your mother died in a car crash, only to discover she was actually murdered? While I understand it might have been inappropriate to tell a young child that her mother was murdered, I don't think sheltering her with a lie was the best idea either.
I thought Kelly handled discovering her mother was a prostitute fairly well.. I don't think it deterred her from wanting to feel some connection with her mother. I think it was brave of Kelly to describe her mother as she was found: spread-eagle with the beer can next to her foot. She could've glossed over a lot of the graphic details, yet she decided to go with the truth, which I found to be a bold move on her part. As a writer, she had the ability to glamorize her mothers murder, yet she used what really happened to evoke emotion in the reader and show she wasn't ashamed of her mother's circumstances.
I wish Kelly would've learned more about her mother at the end of this story; however, that sort of ending seems to be reserved for a fiction work, so I probably shouldn't have been expecting that everything to work out...because obviously life doesn't always work out that way.
I found myself feeling sorry for Kelly. What must it be like, I wondered, to grow up not knowing anything about your parents? How would it be for years to believe your mother died in a car crash, only to discover she was actually murdered? While I understand it might have been inappropriate to tell a young child that her mother was murdered, I don't think sheltering her with a lie was the best idea either.
I thought Kelly handled discovering her mother was a prostitute fairly well.. I don't think it deterred her from wanting to feel some connection with her mother. I think it was brave of Kelly to describe her mother as she was found: spread-eagle with the beer can next to her foot. She could've glossed over a lot of the graphic details, yet she decided to go with the truth, which I found to be a bold move on her part. As a writer, she had the ability to glamorize her mothers murder, yet she used what really happened to evoke emotion in the reader and show she wasn't ashamed of her mother's circumstances.
I wish Kelly would've learned more about her mother at the end of this story; however, that sort of ending seems to be reserved for a fiction work, so I probably shouldn't have been expecting that everything to work out...because obviously life doesn't always work out that way.
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