Response to Carson

On a Boulder, In a Cloud is a memoir about Carson's experience after an over-night camping trip. He and his friends decide to check out the area around their campsite after they've packed up from the night before. What ensues is Carson  finding peace within himself as he faces nature in its rawest form.

I really liked your piece a lot. I felt like you painted each scene delicately so that even those who had never been camping before could envision everything that was going on. As someone who has been to sketchy campsites before, I applaud your description of the deserted bathrooms and the area lit only from the LCD lighting of the drink machines. You were able to perfectly capture the creepiness those things have to offer in a deserted area. I'm sure someone will comment that you need dialogue, but I think your story works better without; to include conversation would almost break us out of the trance you've put us in with the vivid description of nature.

As for improvements, I can't seem to think of anything really. Maybe you could expand the ending to let us know if the feeling you felt on the boulder carried with you as you and your friends continued on your journey. I'm a little confused as to how y'all all ended up together though; did y'all just meet Billy at part of the trail? Perhaps a little bit more of a backstory regarding y'alls trip might strengthen the characters in the story.

Response to Laura

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome is a piece about Laura's brother who has the syndrome which the story is named after. I had a hard time deciding if this was a memoir or a personal essay. It seemed somewhere caught in the middle, because while I learned a lot about this syndrome, I don't feel like there was much of a memoir component until the end with the bus driver.

This piece surprised me because I wasn't expecting to read anything like this. It was really informative, and I liked how you included that your mother was a doctor. Through explaining about the feeding issues your brother experienced, you were able to show how difficult it was for her as a pediatrician to not know what was wrong with her son. I liked the transition in the story where you went from explaining how your brother was picking flowers on a soccer field to discussing the self-injurious behavior he would sometimes have. The last scene in the story was my favorite, although I couldn't believe a bus driver of special needs children could be so rude and insensitive. Props to you for standing up to his behavior! Including that in your story showed how devoted you are to your brother and how much you love him.

Sometimes I felt a little blinded by the amount of similes, metaphors and alliteration included in this piece. I think more simple language could be used and still allow you to get your point across. Not that there's anything wrong with those literary elements, but I feel like they work better in moderation so that they don't distract from your message. In addition, I would reorganize the story. The scene with the bus driver is interesting, and it shows your emotional investment in your brother; therefore, I think that part should be extended and introduced earlier in the story. That way you can answer more questions such as how did that experience make you feel? did it make you more aware of the difficulties your brother might face in the future? did anything change with the bus driver after that day? I think making that scene stronger would enhance the overall story.

Response to Sally

"A Night on the Drunk Bus" is a memoir about riding Auburn's security shuttle around for awhile in order to escape a rough day. Sally explains how she mistook a Seeing Eye dog for a "pet a puppy day" pet, had coffee spilled on her, and how she bombed her first speech assignment. This experience was important to her because it introduced her to a new pastime: riding the "drunk bus" for pleasure.

The fact you were brave enough to just get on the drunk bus and ask to ride around is hilarious to me. The idea is so original, and I doubt anyone else has done it before. Anyway, back to your story. I think you do a good job of explaining the unfortunate circumstances of your day very well. You were clearly mortified at what had happened involving the dog and the coffee. I also really liked how you included the shuttle driver's story about the blueberry bubblegum and incorporated how the other girls in the bus took some before they left.

My biggest suggestion would be to add some paragraph breaks within the story, since without them I read the story really fast. I also think you could expand some of your scenes; I'm sure the man responded to your comment on the dog, so you could go into more detail about what was said after you made the mistake. You could also expand the scene in the classroom where you were giving your speech, giving readers specific details as to where you messed up in your speech. In addition, I think you should give readers a more clear idea of the time frame change from class to the drunk bus. From reading your story it appears you left straight from class to get on the drunk bus, but since those shuttles don't start running until 6 and most people don't "go out" (such as the other people in the bus were doing) until much later than that, then I would assume there was some time between class and your shuttle ride. If there was time, then you could explain what you and maybe what inspired you to take the shuttle that evening.

Response to Alethia

"Left" is a memoir Alethia wrote about the day she finally left her abusive mother. Throughout her life Alethia struggled with the way her mother treated her and her siblings. The day she left she realized that by leaving she wasn't running away from her problems, but instead leaving them behind in order to have a better life.

I really loved this piece! Your writing kept my attention the entire time. I thought you explained your situation in a clear way that allowed those who may have not experienced the same thing to understand what it would be like to like with an abusive mother. I like how you opened with the scene in the Dollar General, because it led to questions such as why were you keeping track of money? and why was your Jeep actually packed? Questions that were all answered throughout the course of the story. I was really able to grasp the atmosphere in your household by the way you explained how you and your siblings kept in touch in order to know what type of mood your mom was in or if she was at the house. You also did a good job of showing how much influence your mother's boyfriend had over your mom by mentioning how he "whispered" in her ear about how she was entitled to the money you made.

My biggest suggestion would be for you to explain whether the last "olive branch" you gave your mom occurred before or after you moved out. I think that would give readers a better time-frame on when you left, too. In addition I would I think it would be good to include whether or not your sister contacted you regarding the note left on your door. Also I would like a little more information on where  you went to live after you left, because I couldn't decide if you were staying at your friend's place indefinitely or if you were moving to college in a few weeks or what.

But really, this was SO good, although the subject matter was really sad. Your determination to break the cycle is evident and I admire your courage,

Response to Carrie

"Learning to Let Go" is a memoir about when Carrie hit her head while attempting to rope-swing into a lake. Through the help of her friends and family she is able to overcome her ordeal and proceed to move off to college. Through this experience Carrie learns to ultimately let go of things that scare her, including her upcoming college experience.

I liked how the title could have multiple meanings: learning to let go of the rope-swing and learning to let go of life and home by moving to college. It's obvious Carrie is very close to her family, something I can relate with, and she does a good job of describing this closeness through explaining how she used to hate going to sixth grade and looked forward to seeing her mom when she got home in the afternoon. I also liked how you explained your friends in the story without going into too much detail. They didn't really need to be fully developed, but they were developed enough that they weren't boring (for example, including facts about your friends such as one didn't like to see vomit and another had a fear of ambulances were nice additions to your story).

As for suggestions, I would like to know what you hit your head on. I guess explain a little more clearly where you landed when you fell. Did you swing out into the water and didn't let go until it was pulling you back to shore, or did you let go before the swing had even reached the water? Also the transition between eating grapes and having a seizure was a little rocky to me, because I wasn't exactly sure where you were when you had the seizure. I think including whether or not you're afraid of getting in the water now would be interesting, because I'm sure that's an event you recall every time you're around water.

On a side note, I hope it didn't work out with Jack because anyone who would leave on a jet ski like that and then ask you if they were "still hot" after you had a seizure sounds like an ass to me, haha

Response to Leslie

"Five of Me" describes Leslie's parents' struggle as they try to expand their family of three to a family of four (or more) through a series of drugs used to help couples become pregnant. This memoir is important to Leslie because until she was 8 years old, she didn't know the complications her parents faced trying to conceive her.

Because you weren't able to witness everything that happened first hand, you had to explain what you "thought" was going on, and I think you did this in really well. I especially liked the part where you told readers that your dad hated seeing someone put an earring in, yet he was responsible for injecting your mother with a needle, an experience that was probably really difficult for him. I also liked that you took the time to find out the exact names of the pills and treatment your mother took to help her achieve pregnancy; this made the writing very clear and prevented readers from getting the different medications confused with one another. In addition, you did a good job of explaining your parents desperation for another child, showing they would go to as many lengths as possible to achieve their dream. I liked that you included the price of In Vitro fertilization in the story too, because I didn't realize how expensive the procedure was, and if you hadn't included it I would have wondered why your parents didn't try that option.

As for revisions, I would like to see a little more of your brother in the story: did he want a sibling? how did he feel when he found out your parents were expecting? Also I would like to see how your parents felt once they found out they were pregnant: did your mom take extra precautions during her pregnancy because she was afraid she might lose you? was your dad overprotective of you once you were born? Just getting more an idea of their emotions once they found out would be a good addition to the story. I guess what I'm basically trying to say is expand the ending a little more.

Overall, great job though! :)

Non-Fiction Class Exercise

When I was in the fifth grade, I became best friends with Allie. We played on the same basketball team together, went to the same after-school program and loved McDonald’s--it was an ideal friendship. We stayed friends into our middle school years, too. One Saturday in seventh grade after I had stayed the night over at Allie’s, her family had an emergency. I needed to leave so her family could ride over to the hospital. My mother was out of town at my sister’s dance competition, and my dad was at work, so I called my grandmother to come pick me up from Allie’s house. I was surprised when my grandmother refused. “I’m sorry sweetie but I can’t drive over to that house with those people,” I remember her saying defiantly. Eventually I was able to get my great-aunt to come pick me up, but the phone conversation I’d had with grandmother still lingered in the back of my mind. 

 I decided not to ask any questions until my mother got home from the competition. “Mom,” I asked, walking into her bedroom later that night, “why does Grandma hate Allie’s family?” My mother turned away from the dresser she’d been placing clothing into and faced me, her brows furrowed. 

“I don’t know if your Grandmother would appreciate me telling you this or not,” she said. She ran her fingers through her brown hair, something she always did when she was nervous. Now, I had to know. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” I said, my eyes growing wider as I attempted a look of innocence. I walked further into the bedroom and said down at the end of her bed, anticipating the story. 

“Well,” my mother said, taking a seat beside me on the bed, “when I was a little girl, your grandfather cheated on your grandmother with Allie’s mom.” I was still had not gotten over the shock of this statement when she continued, “Allie’s mom had a baby not long after, and while she claimed it was her husbands, it looked remarkably like your grandfather.” 

I’d only seen Allie’s brother a few times; Allie’s parents had been a lot older when Allie was born, so her brother was already married and living in another state when Allie and I met. Still, I couldn’t believe I had never noticed the resemblance the times I had seen him.

“I swear I won’t tell,” I said, my eyes wide again, this time with shock. I never mentioned the conversation my mother and I had again to anyone, especially my grandmother. I couldn’t believe that of all people I could’ve been friends with, I chose my unknown half-uncle’s sister! Small towns always harbor a lot of secrets, but I never imagined my family shared in a part of that.